brick by brick

I watched the movie Adaptation recently.. it's absolutely terrific. The very end of this blog post contains the intro speech which is just perfect.

 

So.. so.. so. I got a job recently in an office doing debt collections, its not quite as bad as it sounds. The days go pretty fast and the people I sit by are all quite cool, but there's a new seating plan coming tommorow.. I don't even know WHY, but, whatever. People like to exercise authority. Its a full time job, and it means a steady paycheck which is nice, considering the debt I still have to take care of.

 

My band thing is going ok, the label that signed us put out a compilation album on the weekend and one of the songs is on it, you can check it out at www.rackandruinrecords.com (Album number RR062 "Hateful and Hollow Compilation", it's just a melancholy-themed compilation of various RnR artists). I sat down last night and made a list of songs that are either completed or 70% completed, and I have nearly 20 songs, 8 or 9 of which I really want to record and get out to the world soon-ish. But. but. The drummer we had has left, he has a full time band which is much more important to him. The other guy in the band is thinking about joining him in that group, so that could be yet another end to the band thing.  This along with some other things relating to people (and worsened by the fact that I've been reading nietzsche for leisure) makes me feel, more than ever, weary, and simultaneously restless. I have so much I want to do and create and I feel limited by lack of interest. The guitar player in question has a lot of enthusiasm for the material I write but is dealing with some issues and is being a little slow to learn (which I do understand), but basically if he bails then I'll be back to being a guy with some instruments, material, and no band. I try to record my stuff alone but it's difficult, and I have no real mind for drums so I'm reliant on sampled beats. Anyways.

I suppose I should look at all of this with a kind of greek opportunism. Tragedy (to be melodramatic I suppose), or even just struggle and conflict, are definite sources of passion and ultimately lead to creation. I'd like to maybe not have some struggles just for a while, but it could all be unfathomably worse, and many times I'm my only limitation. I get lonely, I guess we all do. And I let that be a roadblock in a way, like I can't continue on with things until I've found some people or someone to really share with. But on a deeper level we all have to go through our struggles alone in life, even when we're helped along by loved ones, so I suppose independance is a virtue to remember and cultivate, even if it seems entirely meaningless. Hmm, doesn't even matter that noone will read this, because I think I just unsnagged a little piece of myself off a fence or somethign by typing this. Simply being alone doesn't bring independance, it's another state of being and living which I need to be reaching for. To stop suffering and I guess become more of myself, whether it leads to more isolation or not. Cool.

 

And now the prologue from Adaptation, which now suddenly seems alien and distant.. excellent none the less:

 Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stop putting things off, I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more, improve myself. What if I learned Russian or something? Or took up an instrument? I could speak Chinese. I'd be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's gonna change that.

 

 

Light seesawing on a penny. The soft beats are tarnish-dulled, instrumentally coloured into a portal to a sub-feeling dimension. There is more reflected in the harps of light than the penny (or any numerous trillion tonnes of them), to be sure.

Before it could transmit, that is to say before it could become, light had to first have a beginning. You'll excuse the pedantics, I'm saying this light had to have been that light, and maybe still is. The lights we see, the colours, the reflections, they are disingenuous sources; third-party contact, to say the least. Consider the nebulae and centuries the stars travel to deliver their pins and peep-holes. How many of those pinpricks don't contain the viruses of a universe waiting to suction to our lives, how many moonlight strolls have been illuminated by reflected rays of bloodied, indifferent stars, their light already a lie, telling us about something which has ceased to be even before the first of the maggots, the first of the beaches and polar regions. Is it the sun that makes us in the morning ? The depths and textural geographies of our lives would simply be the realm of kinesthetics and sound, and is that not truly missing the point of depth to us as bodily humans? We owe a myriad of triumphs and defeats to a boiling sinkhole of battery acid and neon vomit (to speak only of the luxuries of the mind of course). Hands down, it is one of the most change inducing factors rationed to life. It brought the Jews through a desert, children to the joys of entrepreneurial-ship via a lemon (name of Bill Gates' new book), and so many bodies of being to char and fester, made manageable for the carrion and vultures. To continue along a morbid track (for pleasure and illustration), a thing once alive exposed to a heat lamp, let alone ball of hell, is prone to deform, to writhe in molecular coagulation, and ultimately to produce. A body in water left for time is, fish not permitted, a body in water. Bloated, distended, and generally discoloured, but a body none the less. To mythologize and give light a person, it is a depraved abortion which seeks to cultivate the depths and viscosities of decay, but also to dig and unsheathe the new, the blossomed, and the naked, and pull the newborn from the womb into the nervous light of being. I see it now as hands, lined and neat with million fingers, hungrily clawing and sliding into the creaks and crevices; as partner to heat, the great disturber, there is no better marriage yet contrived, arranged, or dreamed. Irreversibly sliding into (perhaps unwilling) form-tight gloves and twinkling those million fingers like a body into a sheet. Imagine the comfort of that fabric on the skin, and tell me when you ever sleep so comfortably.

 

 

(I apologize , I've been reading too much henry miller / nietzsche, my wording in preceeding is an obvious result.. I'm also really quite baked, :-\ )

 

I think there are two parts to me / my ego / cognisance system.

The part that does something, and the part that says "You shouldn't have done that". The latter part might not always have any reason to raise conflict but it's there. I read that over for a second and it looks pretty stupid, but it's a recurringly reasonable assumption. If it only described my actions in a few cases I might just delete this and go to bed, but it really does seem to pop up often. There's probably a tidy word to describe this state of being, a good buzz word like "grouchy" or "irrational" but if so it's escaping me right now. It'd be one of the negatively connotated words though, like grouchy or irrational. Case in point; it's 2:44am and I'm still awake. Minor but an example none the less.

night.

A few weeks ago I got rid of my TV. June 1st I'm going to disconnect my internet and work at life unplugged, haha. I've been on computer since I was like 7 and I really want to kick the addiction. I'll be using my computer to record / write music, and to keep up my fiction writing. Obviously I don't NEED a computer to do those, but I think it's a good step towards the goal. I'll probably plug into the net once every week or few weeks to update stuff with my band / label, and check mail. Might blog a bit, but even now, theres no point to this. Why I'm writing this I don't really know. Oh well.

woo for the eye catching header.

It's a small net-label, but it's still a nice shot in the arm/ego. Our thinger is located at;

http://www.rackandruinrecords.com/paracontra.php

Click the green album cover to download the EP for free, and check out the myspace for some newer demos;

www.myspace.com/paracontra

So that's cool. But.

But.

 

I still feel no ambition or direction in life of any kind. They say do whatever makes you happy, but I can pretty much make anything seem like it's not worth doing. Music is fun, but what does it accomplish. I feel especially burdened by global and human issues which, in a previous way of thinking, have nothing to do with me. Unfortunately I can't shake the feeling and urgency that yes, I do in fact have some kind of impact on the world (and nothing positive at the moment). I'm pretty sure I'm going to kenya next summer to do volunteer work, but then what? How much of a difference will I make, even if things go better than planned. On the global level, is there any hope for our people ? Or am I just insane, and everything is fine. I'd prefer this reality, because it would free up considerable burden and let me become a drunken maniac or something. They say lighten up, you are carrying too much guilt.. but it's impossible to just drop feelings of guilt or inaction, especially when the rest of the world seems to carry so little. It's not better to give up even in a hopeless cause. Is the mindset, anyways.

 

So essentially my issue is, I can't even begin to consider what I want, because I'm consumed by what others need. I feel like it's a luxury to want; and yet, want is a prime mover and motivation in Western society. I got rid of my TV a few weeks ago, and I don't feel like it's made any difference on me (I had it on 24/7, even when I wasn't watching it). I think the computer is the next logical step.. but I think that'd probably be a death sentence for a recluse like myself. I can justify keeping it with; "Oh, my music will not progress in the way I'd wanted" or "I'll lose touch with my internet friends", but in the first case, music has been around for centuries. Computer or not I will make music. Internet friends? Are they friends, or just facets of my own mind, grafted onto sentences I read and respond to. I see now why the bottle is the escape of choice for writers and musicians. Who will read this.

 

 

 

This is taken from the movie "Bad Boy Bubby". Really great underwatched movie..

 

You see, no one's going to help you Bubby, because there isn't anybody out there to do it. No one. We're all just complicated arrangements of atoms and subatomic particles - we don't live. But our atoms do move about in such a way as to give us identity and consciousness. We don't die; our atoms just rearrange themselves. There is no God. There can be no God; it's ridiculous to think in terms of a superior being. An inferior being, maybe, because we, we who don't even exist, we arrange our lives with more order and harmony than God ever arranged the earth. We measure; we plot; we create wonderful new things. We are the architects of our own existence. What a lunatic concept to bow down before a God who slaughters millions of innocent children, slowly and agonizingly starves them to death, beats them, tortures them, rejects them. What folly to even think that we should not insult such a God, damn him, think him out of existence. It is our duty to think God out of existence. It is our duty to insult him. *beep* you, God! Strike me down if you dare, you tyrant, you non-existent fraud! It is the duty of all human beings to think God out of existence. Then we have a future. Because then - and only then - do we take full responsibility for who we are. And that's what you must do, Bubby: think God out of existence; take responsibility for who you are.

 

 

you have the possibilities

to be such a great man.

if you just bunkered down

and accepted life for what it is.

these ups and downs

thse stupid mistakes

and great accomplishments

it's what life is

 

(not a composition, just some really helpful words)

Inspired by a question of your most depressing songs. I decided thats way too narrow an emotion, so I compiled this list of the songs that move me the most, whether it be sadly or just deeply. I'll be doing a few more parts of this, and I think 5 is enough for each part (given that they will all feature videos).

 

A Silver Mt. Zion - 13 Angles Standing Guard Round the Side of Your Bed

(from the album He Has Left Us Alone But Shafts Of Light Sometimes Grace the Corners of Our Rooms, 2000)

 

 This is an offering by A Silver Mt. Zion, from Montreal. Their music is generally labelled as "Post", which is not even a real word, but in music slang it means that it's music which seems to follow or preclude other genres of music. Post-rock is a common genre, where the band members will create ambient soundscapes before building to a predictable crescendo of sound and rock. It's all fairly common, but it's still new enough that the genre has yet to be fully cultivated. 13 angles is one of the best songs of the post variety, in my bold and cocky opinion.

 

 

 Bjork - Bachelorette

(from the album Homogenic, 1997)

 

 It'd be pointless to pretend that Bjork is not weird. She repeatedly proves her defendants wrong, despite their best efforts to drape some "artistic, human frailty" over her as though it justifies her strange tastes. The thing is, none of that crap actually matters, because she happens to be a brilliant musician, and is very in tune with her human elements, few though they may be. This song is a great example, and though I can't really relate to it, I can appreciate the art of it. To me it's like reading Miriam Toews; I get it and I appreciate the art and message, I just don't really get it, in the same way.

 

 At the Drive-In - Cosmonaut

(from the album Relationship of Command, 2000)

 "Run.. come home!"

A rumored subtext to the album, is that some of the songs (One Armed Scissor being the eponymous track) reflect the story of a doomed space shuttle which records its final messages. Cosmonaut is not specifically mentioned in the floating rumours, but it only makes sense when looking at the lyrics. With the frame of the story applied to this song, it's pretty damn chilling. I reccomend finding the studio recording of this song because although the energy in the video is fun, the playing suffers, and much of the vocals are lost. Still, dancing afros.. never fails.

 

 

 Circa Survive - Meet Me in Montauk

(from the album Juturna, 2005)

 

 I heard this song shortly before seeing the well-hyped "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", and realized it didn't affect my enjoyment of the song in any way whatsoever. Much of the album Juturna is focused on or meant to mirror the film ESOTSM, but for me, this song is perfectly effective on its own, as a good portrayal of the emotions associated with breakups, lost love, etcetera all that bullshit. The lyrics do a very good job of telling the "get away from me - where are you going" conflict that seems to occur when the one you loved has ripped out your heart. Cooooool. The studio recording has a "hidden track" at the end commonly called "House of Leaves", the title of one of my favorite books. It almost qualifies as a song on this list, so check it out.

 

 

Circle Takes the Square - Interview at the Ruins

(from the album As the Roots Undo, 2003)

 

 This last song (for now) is one that may not appeal to many, for some obvious reasons which I won't spoil, relating to "vocal harshness". However, it's a song that is full of emotion and is part of a very beautifully constructed story of self realization. If you can make it through the shrill opening moments, the last half is a showcase of vulnerable chanting and mental exhalation. Throughout the song, voices engaged in an interview can be heard, though the words are hard to make out. There is a lot of ambiguity to the content and subtext here, so interpret it any way you will. The male-female vocal harmonies alone make this song very impactual.

my life's alright without you
 

New band to discuss; "No Age".

Described as a lot of things, so I'll just say.. "Post-Punk / Pop / Ambient"

Not the kind of music I ever thought I'd enjoy, but that song in particular is fucking ruling my life at the moment. I very much reccomend them to everybody.

Here's a video / interview of their loveliness;

 

Started the first day of my new job today. It involved getting up at 5am, and then working 7:30 to 3:30. Coming from a few month long stretch of sleeping in, it was rough, but the work was quite easy. I think I have tendonitis or carpel tunnel though so I can't play guitar for a few days.. and I may not go in to work tommorow. $10/hr is attractive though.

I assemble printed things.. if you get a Stott Pilate booklet.. I may have graced it with my contact.

 

First time I've been on this site in a little while. I guess it's good to just write about stuff and reflect every so often.

 

I've been out of high-school for a few weeks.. no, months?

 

Which illustrates a point I was going to bring up about time being very sloshy when you do nothing all day, everyday. Fortunately I've got a job starting monday so I will not only have a productive way to fill up 8 hours of my day but money as well. I've done little to no writing (except some reviews for a guitar website) or reading, aside from Oryx and Crake a bit, and I guess the only positive point I can raise is that I've been sticking to my workout plan pretty well (few months in now) which is nice. As evidenced by my last post (which I just stole from a facebook note / rant I wrote), I'm becoming even more repulsed by society. It's important to clarify that I'm not upset soley for myself, but for all the people living with such thick wool blindfolds. It's very disheartening to see the way so many choose (or, have chosen) to spend their lives. Pursuing the tangible prizes in life rather than the truly priceless. Worse, I'm feeling like that's the only way to live free of sadness. That being said, things can't be unseen, and the burden of knowledge would be no easier to bear. I'm very eager and anxious for signs of life and reasons to continue, but I'll probably have to draw a line at some point. I can be patient, but faith has never been my strong point. If I have no reason to believe that this is not the way of the world, I'll have to just pack up my things and leave.

 

Anyways..

I discovered some great new music recently, specifically, a three-piece called Ebu Gogo. Their music sounds just like video game soundtrack to me, and I wrote a review of their album Worlds on ultimate-guitar.com. As it turns out, the band is more influenced by action / adventure films than by video games. My review definitely missed the mark.. Oh well. Check them out regardless.

 

 

 

I also picked up Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood, and I'm absolutely loving it so far. It's definitely inspiring me to write.

That'll do it for now.